


coffee cold

by Aquariusgarbag



Series: no milk, no sugar [2]
Category: Actor RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Aftercare, Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Blowjobs, Club bathroom head, Face Slapping, M/M, Orgasm Control, dumbasses with feelings, inaccurate depictions of how sets work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-05-18 09:39:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19331953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aquariusgarbag/pseuds/Aquariusgarbag
Summary: Chris makes eye contact, trying to get through to the kid. Asks “You’re really desperate for it, aren’t you?” He asks because he’s desperate too. Because he knows how this kid feels, vying for shitty parts. But he knows more than this kid too, knows that a starring role won’t lead to happiness. Knows that whatever you want will ultimately be disappointing. He tries to convey this to the man in front of him. He doesn’t think it gets through.





	1. 2010

**Author's Note:**

> Chris POV of chapter one of ‘no milk, no sugar’  
> Thanks for reading lemme know what you think :-)

Chris was not having a good day.

He’d thought a producer credit on ‘American Captain’ would be the first step in being taken seriously as an actor. Bring more than just a good looking body people could project on. Instead being a producer meant more responsibility than he likes. It made his anxiety go through the roof. He’d thought having more control would be comforting, but it just meant more problems.

One problem was his current co-star, a total diva who was not living up to his audition. Another was his own performance, something he was rapidly losing confidence in. Another was the shitty cup of coffee he was drinking. One of these problems was more easily solved than the other.

Chris stepped out of his trailer with the intent of getting a new cup of coffee, one that didn’t taste burnt to shit, except instead he stepped straight into some idiot standing directly in front of his door.

The kid was good looking, but that wasn’t what Chris was focusing on right now. What Chris was focusing on was the pain of being splashed with hot coffee. It was the cherry on top of his shitty sundae.

Chris normally thought of himself as a nice guy. However he could admit he wasn’t always even tempered. This was one of those times.

“What the fuck?” Chris says, because seriously what the fuck had he done to deserve today?

“Shit.” The good looking idiot replies. Real helpful.

“Who the fuck are you? Why were you standing right in front of my goddamn door?” Chris’ anxiety monster is clawing at the inside of his chest. He had control of this one thing, and now even that has become a total disaster. 

“Nobody.” the kid says. “I don’t know, look, man I’m really sorry.” And the reply is so inane that Chris’ anger spikes. Who does this kid think he is? Can’t one person do their job fucking competently?

Chris feels out of control. He needs to get back in control. “Alright, get out of here, you’re fired.” He says to the intern or whatever. He doesn’t think about it before he says it, he just says it.

Thankfully by then some people have decided to do their goddamn jobs for once. His personal assistant has finally materialized, with paper towels no less. Chris goes to get cleaned up. He doesn’t think about the kid he fired. He does think about getting a new cup of coffee. This one turns out to be as bitter as the last.

The rest of Chris’ day doesn’t go any better. His co-star is still not doing his job. He keeps getting judgmental looks from the other producers. He tries asking questions to the director, he wants to direct himself one day, but the guy barely contains his eye rolls. It’s shitty all around. This is why Chris decides to go out that night.

The club is okay. It has alcohol at least. Chris drinks a beer and tries to quell the growing worry that has permanently wormed it’s way into the pit of his stomach. He tries to stay positive, to joke with his friends, to not think but it only works so well. Midway through the night Chris goes to the bathroom to try to collect himself.  
He sees the guy come in right after him.

It takes him a minute to realize why he recognizes him. Stan something, one of the other producers told him after he fired the kid. Four beers in Chris feels less confident in that decision. He hopes the guy isn’t planning on starting something.

“Hey,” the kid says, and Chris notices his pouty mouth for the first time, the way his tongue darts out to lick his lips. 

“I thought you were great in Fantastic Four, I mean, I thought you looked great.” The kid says and Chris smiles self deprecatingly. This is the exact thing he’s trying to get away from with ‘America Captain.’ He guess it’s not going to be something he can escape, if the only compliment a guy trying to get his job back can think of is objectifying. He wants to laugh and cry. He settles for washing his hands.

“Listen, uh,” the kid flounders for something else to say, some bullshit to make Chris like him. All day everyday he deals with fake people like this, it’s why he can’t stand L.A. 

Chris makes eye contact, trying to get through to the kid. Asks “You’re really desperate for it, aren’t you?” He asks because he’s desperate too. Because he knows how this kid feels, vying for shitty parts. But he knows more than this kid too, knows that a starring role won’t lead to happiness. Knows that whatever you want will ultimately be disappointing. He tries to convey this to the man in front of him. He doesn’t think it gets through. Chris sighs.

All of a sudden the kid is on his knees in front of him. Chris’ mind blanks out for a second. 

He’s done stuff with guys before. Kind of. Not really, but he’s thought about it. He’s been to gay bars. His brother’s gay. He’s open minded.

But this. A beautiful boy on his knees in front of him, looking up at him. It does something to Chris he’s never experienced before. He feels like he’s been thrown in the deep end. He feels like he’s drowning. The kid has beautiful, big, ice blue eyes that seem to pierce into Chris’ soul. Before he can say anything, before he can think of what to say, the kid is unbuttoning his jeans. It makes Chris’ mouth water. He’s already hardening. 

Before he knows it the kid is putting his cock into his big, vulgar mouth. Chris’ breathe hitches. It feels amazing, his body feels like it’s melting. He doesn’t know how to feel. Doesn’t know what to do. It feels so good. He grips the kid by the hair. The blowjob keeps getting better and better, sensation washing over him like calming waves. He tightens his grip in the kid’s hair, the little bastard moans in response. 

The kid pulls off him suddenly and Chris fears he’s going to stop. Instead his sweet, wrecked little voice says “Please. Fuck my face, please, please.” Chris has never been more turned on. He hesitates initially, has never done this before, would never treat a lady like this. But the kid is begging for it, and he wants it so bad. Wants to be in control so bad. The man below him is drooling and making sweet, desperate little sounds that send shivers up Chris’ spine. His lips are red and swollen, his eyes watery. Chris has to close his own eyes to stop himself from coming right then. 

“Oh my God.” Chris says because he can’t contain himself. 

“You were made for this.” Chris says because the kid must be, his own personal dick sucking guardian angel.  


He’s grown more confident in his thrusts now, is really fucking into the kid, just like he begged for. It feels so good. Chris’ anxiety completely silenced in a way it hasn’t been in God knows how long. The kid shivers around his cock and Chris is done for, is coming and coming and coming into the kid with a groan. His whole body shakes with it, it’s the best orgasm of his life. He feels like he’s floating for a minute afterwards. He touches the kid reverently, petting his hair, patting his head. He wants to say ‘Thank you.’ Wants to beg for it to happen again. But already the monster of anxiety in his chest is telling him what a terrible idea that is. He goes to get cleaned up. Hand the kid some paper towels in lieu of a thank you, an apology, of him getting down on his own knees.

“Thanks.” The kid says coldly. Chris wonders if his throat hurts. He wants to ask, doesn’t.

“Yeah.” Chris says. “Well, ugh, thanks...” He says awkwardly. It doesn’t come out like the thanks he wants to say, doesn’t capture how truly grateful he is.

“Yeah, ugh, you know.” The kid says, not looking at him. And oh right, that what this is about. Of course. It had only felt like more to Chris. Once again his heart had seized on something, thinking it was meant for it. This was just a transaction to the kid. A job interview. Chris feels sick and dirty. He doesn’t say anything for a minute. He doesn’t know what to think again.

“Okay.” Chris settles on. He’ll un-fire this guy. Already feels guilty about it. Maybe he’ll look over his audition tape, first see if he deserves it, though.

Chris leaves the bathroom feeling confused and tired and weirdly satisfied. He goes back to his rental immediately, making up a dumb excuse to his friends.

He emails the casting director, gets a copy of the kid’s audition tape. Sebastian Stan is his name. He watches the tape all night. That morning he makes a phone call.


	2. 2010

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take place between chapter two and three of ‘no milk, no sugar’

Chris knocks on Sebastian’s door. It’s the first time Chris has seeked out Sebastian. It’s three weeks into shooting, they’ve just finished filming Sebastian’s character’s death scene. Filming it had made Chris feel something deep in his chest, made him want to hold Sebastian close, to protect him. Chris was sure it didn’t mean anything. That it was just a passing urge. Still, he found himself hurrying out of his costume and to Sebastian’s trailer.

He knocks. Sebastian opens wearing a t-shirt and sweats, his hair mussed. 

“Hey,” Chris says. He’s nervous. He doesn’t know why, he’s had sex with Sebastian three times now, each time more mind blowing than the last. 

“Hey,” Sebastian says and he has a shy, confused smile on his face that makes Chris’ heart beat double time. He stands aside to let Chris come in.

Chris looks around. Sebastian’s trailer is nice, but smaller than his, sparsely furnished, no decorations or personal objects. Chris doesn’t know why he wanted to get a look into Sebastian’s life, into the private part of himself he keeps so tightly tucked away. He just knows he’s disappointed.

“You did good today, kid.” He offers.

“Thanks.” Sebastian says and he’s not smiling now, for some reason.

Chris decides to be forward, Sebastian always has been. 

“I guess you know why I’m here.” Chris says and laughs, rubs at the back of his neck boyishly.

“Yeah.” Sebastian says, and his voice is beautiful, deep and breathy.

Sebastian goes over to his bag. Gets out a condom and lube. Chris admires how he can move so gracefully at times.

“How do you want me?” Sebastian asks, and that question goes straight to Chris’ dick. Sebastian will let Chris have him however he wants, will let Chris be in complete control. The thought makes him light headed.

Chris sits down on the little couch. 

“Riding me.” He decides.

Sebastian bites his lip. Chris can his his growing cock through his sweatpants. Sebastian climbs nimbly into Chris lap, facing him. Chris is overcome with the urge to kiss him. He bites at his shoulder, instead. Sebastian moans.

Chris wants to possess Sebastian completely. He stops Sebastian from taking off his shirt himself, Chris does it for him. He does the same with the rest of Sebastian’s clothes, until the younger man is completely naked and Chris completely clothed. Chris doesn’t feel self conscious about being naked exactly, he knows he looks good, it’s just that being naked makes him feel vulnerable in a way he tries to avoid. He unbuttons his own jeans and lets his hard cock out. Sebastian’s hands go straight for it.

“Hands behind your back.” Chris tries. Sebastian complies immediately, looking dreamy, and Chris’ feels immense relief that he hadn’t overstepped.

Chris lubes up two fingers and puts them into Sebastian’s tight hole. He tries to be gentle, hopes he doing a good job. He doesn’t want to admit to Sebastian the he’s the only man he’s ever slept with. Chris doesn’t want to seem like a total idiot. When Sebastian is moaning and clenching around his fingers, his cock red and hard, Chris is pretty sure he’s ready. Chris puts on the condom and more lube.

He slides straight into Sebastian in one fluid motion. Sebastian grips Chris biceps and looks up at the ceiling.

“Oh God!” He says and Chris worries he’s hurt him, until he looks at Sebastian’s cock which is dripping obscenely with pre-cum.

Chris reaches for Sebastian’s cock and gives it two firm stokes. He’s gripped with possessiveness once again.

“This is mine.” He tells Sebastian, punctuating each word with another stroke.

On top of him Sebastian whimpers and cants his hips, he’s still looking at the ceiling.

“It doesn’t come until I say so, right?” Chris adds.

Sebastian moans and nods, finally looking at Chris. His eyes are blown almost completely black, his mouth hangs open, he looks like he’s lost the ability to speak. 

“Now work for it.” Chris says and Sebastian whimpers again, sounding broken.

Sebastian rides Chris dick hard, fucking himself until his eyes have rolled back in his head and Chris was biting his tongue to stop from coming. He fucks himself brutally until it’s almost too much.

“Please.” Sebastian says through gritted teeth, the words seemingly forced out of him through need.

“Please what?” Chris says.

“Please can I come?” Sebastian begs and Chris has never seen him more beautiful, has never seen anyone more beautiful.

Chris grabs back ahold of Sebastian cock and gives it a firm stroke. Above him Sebastian makes a sound like he’s just been punched. A sense of euphoria fills Chris, the control he’s always chasing is being given to him so easily, so freely that it makes his heart sing.

“Come.” Chris says and Sebastian does, all over himself and Chris. When’s he’s finished he slumps down completely on top of Chris like a rag doll. Chris fucks into him once, twice, and is himself coming. He wishes suddenly he could come inside Sebastian, fill him up with Chris, mark him, claim him, make him walk around filled with Chris’ seed.

They sit like that for a minute. When Chris regains control of his limbs he strokes Sebastian’s back. Sebastian grows stiff at the contact, pulls away.

They’re sitting next to each other now. Chris looks down at himself.

“Ah man, my fucking shirt.” The words come out more forcefully than he intends. It was just a plain blue shirt, but it was soft and one of Chris’ favorites.

“Sorry.” Sebastian says, looking genuinely worried.

Chris isn’t sure why Sebastian is apologizing until he remembers the coffee incident and what a total asshole he’d been. He wants to apologize. He wants to make a joke out of it. He wants to get that beautiful, shy smile back on Sebastian’s face.

“Don’t worry about it.” Chris says, his voice sounding too gruff to his own ears.

Sebastian gets up and Chris wants to grab him, hold him tight, pet his even more untidy hair. He watches him get up instead. Sebastian isn’t graceful now, walks on shaking limbs like a baby deer, but Chris is still enchanted.

Sebastian comes back with a white t-shirt. Chris’ heart does something his mind isn’t ready to process.

“Thanks.” He says.

“Hopefully it will fit.” Sebastian says. 

It does, barely. What would be loose on Sebastian is tight on Chris, his biceps bulging out of the sleeves, his chest almost completely visible. Sebastian looks at him intently, licks his lips.

Chris wants to kiss him again. He doesn’t know how, how to get Sebastian to open up to him like that, for this to become something personal. He’d texted his mom about it, hadn’t given all the details, obviously, but had said enough. His mom had told him to just kiss him. Chris thinks that’s an insane idea. Insane because this clearly doesn’t mean anything to Sebastian. Insane because Chris clearly doesn’t mean anything to Sebastian.

“Thanks.” Chris says again. Sebastian nods. He’s still completely naked, beginning to shiver.

Chris leaves. He doesn’t look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading 🥰


	3. 2011

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during chapter 4 of ‘no milk, no sugar’

He’s excited about the premiere of ‘American Captain.’ Really excited, the movie is good, like genuinely good. It tested well with audiences, has hype now. But that’s not the only reason he feels good tonight. Chris knows that most of his elation is due to one man.

He sees Sebastian and his heart beats faster, a smile can’t help but come to his lips.

He regrets not texting Sebastian as soon as he sees him. How had he deprived himself of the other man for so long? He also feels a simmering of anger at Sebastian for not texting him, a deep sadness that he didn’t mean as much to the other man. He takes those feelings and puts the in a box in a dark corner of his mind.

They take a photo together, Chris uses the opportunity to touch him. Just a casual hand in his neck sends a thrill down Chris’ spine. He’d missed this, missed Sebastian. He’d been thinking about their kiss for months, wishing he’d done it more. He swore tonight he’d correct that mistake, he’d at least kiss Sebastian. He just had to get the kid to look at him first.

Chris tries to get close to him at the premiere but there’s too many people demanding his attention, too many people surrounding Sebastian, and Chris feels a pang that he can’t name them.

The after party is better. As soon as he is able to get away Chris finds Sebastian at the bar.

“It’s good to see you, man.” Chris says, because he can’t say ‘I missed you. Missed how you tasted, missed your eyes, your hands, your smile.’

“You too.” Sebastian says and just those two words make Chris happier than he can say, Sebastian sounds so much more open than he usually does. 

Chris orders a beer. Asks “What have you been up to?” because he desperately wants to know. To know everything about Sebastian.

“Oh, you know.” Sebastian says and Chris doesn’t. He wants to push, wants to pry, wants to scream ‘tell me everything!’ 

“Yeah.” Chris says and chuckles awkwardly.

“You seeing anyone?” Sebastian asks and Chris is filled with fear, does this mean Sebastian is seeing someone, does he think Chris is pathetic bringing his brother and mother to the premiere but not a date, does this mean he won’t get the chance to kiss Sebastian again. Chris shakes his head, unable to speak.

“You wanna get outta here?” Sebastian asks and Chris is filled with relief, he thanks God silently in his head. Maybe this means that Sebastian is open to more. That this can be more than a quick hookup, that it can mean something to Sebastian, that Chris can mean something.

He doesn’t say that. He tries to voice his desire as a joke. Says “Don’t want to do it in the bathroom anymore?”

Sebastian’s face does something that makes Chris want to punch himself in the head.

“Naw.” He says.

“Kidding.” Chris says, trying to make it better. His mother said to just tell the man he wants more, but Chris can’t do that. Mostly because he’s scared Sebastian will say no, but also because he doesn’t know what the hell ‘more’ entails. A year ago he wouldn’t have called himself gay, now...and that’s not to mention what ‘more’ could mean for their careers if they came out, or were discovered, no more superhero roles that’s for sure.

Chris realizes he’s been in his thoughts too long when Sebastian moves away from him. Chris grabs Sebastian, wants to never let go.

“Hey, man, I want to.” He says and means it too much.

Chris drives them to Sebastian’s hotel room, looking more at the younger man than at the road. Sebastian is quiet for most of the ride but that isn’t too unusual.

They enter the room and Chris is on him, correcting his mistake, making up for months of no contact with passionate kisses. Sebastian reacts as if he’s reciprocating Chris’ feelings, kissing back with equal ferocity. It fills Chris with the most wonderful feeling.

Then it all goes to shit.

“Slap me.” Sebastian says. Chris is a confusing mix of reactions. On one hand he wants to, wants to give Sebastian anything he asks for, wants to see Sebastian moan because of his hand. On the other hand he thinks this is something they should at least talk about first, he’s never done anything like this, he’s way out of his depth—‘Come on.” Sebastian says interrupting his thoughts.

Chris raises his hand, slaps Sebastian lightly, with just his fingers. It feels too hard on his hand.

“Come on, man, really slap me.” Sebastian begs. He takes a hold of Chris’ arm and positions it. “Hit me like you mean it.” Chris does not feel in control.

“I don’t mean it.” Chris says and he doesn’t know why the other man is asking for this. He slaps Sebastian harder, enough to leave his his fingers stinging.

“Harder.” Sebastian sounds like he knows what he’s doing, what he wants. Chris hits him harder. He’s right, Sebastian does look beautiful like this. Chris touches where’s he’s just hit him reverently. Sebastian is making Chris feel something very tender.

“Good. That’s real good, Chris.” Chris isn’t so sure about that, he can see the red imprint of his hand on Sebastian’s face, feels like he’s gone too far.

“Real good, baby.” Sebastian assures and Chris’ heart leaps.

“Do it again for me.” Sebastian says and just as quickly his heart sinks.

His anxiety is back in full force, this feels like something they should actually talk about, not just do on a whim. It makes Chris nervous. He really, really doesn’t want to hurt Sebastian, not in a real way. But than Sebastian looks at him, his eyes big and blown out, his face red, lips pouting and Chris does it.

Chris is breathing just as hard as Sebastian now. The younger man has practically melted into the bed. Chris worries he’s really fucked up.

“Uh,” He says.  


“Lube and condoms are in the bag” Sebastian says, gesturing. He looks so beautiful, like an angel or a martyr.

“Do you still want to?” Chris asks. He’s still worried he went to far, hit too hard.

“Want to so bad, so bad.” Sebastian says, and he sounds genuine, sounds open, vulnerable in a way he normally doesn’t.

Chris gets the lube and condom. He wonders if Sebastian does this with other men, has done this with other men since Chris, he feels jealousy prick him. He should have texted, wishes he hadn’t waited for Sebastian to text him first. He hesitates over Sebastian, who’s lying limbs akimbo on the bed. 

“Please.” Sebastian says and Chris feels the word from his head to his toes.

He kisses Sebastian possessively, practically rips his clothes off. He works Sebastian open, kisses tenderly at his neck, the same place he held this evening. Sebastian is making the best noises. When Sebastian is open enough he tears the condom open, applies more lube to his protected cock. He lines himself up and Sebastian quivers against him.

“You okay?” Chris asks, wants to make this good for Sebastian, wants to make Sebastian love it. 

“Yeah, Chris. Please.” Sebastian reassures.

Chris enters Sebastian achingly slowly. Trying to be extra gentle, extra careful, trying to show Sebastian that he cares without saying it.

“Harder.” Sebastian says.

Chris stops thrusting completely. He wants to take care of Sebastian, but he also wants to do what Sebastian wants. He fucks Sebastian harder.

He keeps fucking Sebastian harder.

Sebastian comes moaning Chris’ name and that alone is enough to make Chris come.

They lie in the afterglow a minute, then Chris cleans himself up. He looks over at Sebastian who looks lewd and debauched and beautiful.

“You need anything?” Chris asks because he can’t say ‘please, let me do something for you, please give me a reason to stay.’

“No, man.” Sebastian says, not looking at him, completely rejecting him. Now Chris feels like he’s the one who’s been slapped.

Chris shuts the door to Sebastian’s hotel room.

“Fuck.” He says out loud. A wave of guilt and anxiety wash over him. He walks back to his car, sits in it for too long. 

It’s just that Sebastian is good at making Chris act in ways he wouldn’t have dreamed of. In good ways and bad. He makes Chris feel confident and in control and at peace in way he hasn’t ever previously experienced. He also makes Chris slap him in a hotel room and leave without taking care of him.

That’s unfair, Chris knows that’s unfair. Chris could have refused. He could have insisted on doing something for Sebastian afterwards. He could have texted him. Chris knows why he didn’t do any of those things.

Chris has never been good at being vulnerable. At opening himself up to be seen. The only person he allows to see him like that is his mother, and Chris thinks that’s kind of a given. Sebastian is just so cold. Not in a mean way, he’s the sweetest kid on the planet, nice to the whole crew, but cold like a statue. Impenetrable. Chris didn’t even know he was Romanian until he heard an interviewer on the red carpet ask him about it. He doesn’t know where Romania is. He barely knows anything about Sebastian, not anything real, personal. He doesn’t know how Sebastian feels about him in the slightest

Chris drives back to his L.A. house. It doesn’t feel like home in the way Boston does. He opens his laptop googles ‘face slapping sex.’

He finds a lot of porn. Like, a lot of porn.

Finally he finds what he’s looking for. An article, an explanation, something to tell him how badly he fucked up. He finds that a lot of people like it, which makes him feel a little relieved. He also finds that you’re supposed to discuss it before hand. Whoops.

Chris and Sebastian have never talked about their relationship like that. They’ve talked, but only about dumb shit—the director, the scene, bars to go to, Richard Linklater movies. Never about the sex they have. Chris is beginning to think that’s a problem. Chris keeps reading, googles ‘subspace,’ googles ‘aftercare.’ He reads until early morning.

By the time he’s done he has a sinking feeling in his chest.

“Fuck.” He says again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading 💖


	4. 2011

Chris knows he needs to do something. He wants to keep reading about this, get as much information as possible, he wants to call his mom and ask for help, he wants to run back to the hotel room and hold Sebastian and never let him go. 

Instead he texts Sebastian ‘You doing ok?’

He feels a pang that the last text he sent was from months ago, a promise to keep in touch. Chris could kick himself.

‘I’m good. You?’ Comes Sebastian’s reply and Chris feels a flare of anger at someone unknown, whoever it was that made Sebastian think he always had to be doing good, could never complain, always had to put others before himself.

Chris wants to say this. Chris wants to say ‘I’m sorry.’ Wants to say ‘Come here, let me hold you.’ Wants to scream ‘Why’d you let me do that to you? Why didn’t you say anything?’ 

He’s read enough now to make a connection between how Sebastian acts immediately after sex and something called ‘subdrop.’ He thinks he knows now what he had seen as hostility and coldness was actually a symptom, a cry for help. 

He feels guilty and angry and anxious and above all heart broken.

He starts texting about a thousand things. He settles on ‘Not great. I think we need to talk.’ It’s honest, not overly emotional, conveys the most important thing. Chris thinks it’s a solid text message.

It’s not until it takes Sebastian twenty minutes to reply that Chris realizes the implications of ‘we need to talk.’ 

Fuck.

Chris grabs his keys, is already driving as he types ‘Can I come by your hotel now?’

Chris knocks frantically at Sebastian’s door, his anxiety bubbling over.

Sebastian opens the door looking like a drowned kitten. He’s wet, dressed only in a towel, his eyes are red, lips bitten into a permanent pout. Chris wants to kiss him better.

“Hey,” Chris says nervously. He knows Sebastian has every right to be pissed at him.

“Hey, sorry.” Sebastian says and Chris’ heart feels like it’s being stabbed. “Come in.”

“Are you really okay?” Chris asks, judging by the look of him he already knows the answer. Besides the wetness and the bloodshot eyes, there’s also evidence that Sebastian hasn’t slept, as well as a slight tremor in the other man. There’s also, horrifyingly, a faint blue marking on Sebastian’s cheekbone.

“I—yeah, man. Why, why wouldn’t I be?” Sebastian says.

Chris wants to scream at him. He takes a deep breathe, looks into Sebastian’s beautiful pale blue eyes; they’re a calming sight.

“You have a bruise.” He says and traces over lightly, lightly enough not to hurt.

Sebastian’s eyes go wide, scared. He moved to touch it but Chris takes his hand from him, holds it.

“I did that.” Chris says and means ‘I’m sorry.’ Means ‘Why did you let me?’

“I asked you to. Begged you to.” Sebastian says, his voice taking on desperation. He looks scared and guilty and all Chris wants to do is comfort him, ask questions later.

He leans over and kisses the bruise, the bruise he caused, the pain he caused.

“I want to take care of you.” He says and means it in a way he hasn’t experienced before.

“You don’t have to. I can take care of myself.” Chris wants to say ‘obviously you can’t.’ but refrains because he’s not a complete asshole.

“Do you want to?” He asks instead.

Sebastian, looking more beautiful than he ever has before, shakes his head.

Chris leans in and kisses him. He tries to put everything he feels for Sebastian into the kiss. Sebastian leans against him, like he’s exhausted. Chris half carries, half drags Sebastian into bed. He wraps Sebastian up in the comforter like he’d read about, the younger man’s shivering subsides. Chris smiles. 

Sebastian says “What?” in a little, confused voice.

“I want to take care of you. And we need to talk. Have you had breakfast yet?”

Sebastian shakes his head. Chris orders a shit ton of food from room service. Then curls up next to Sebastian, it feels good. Calming. He kisses the back of Sebastian’s head.

“We need to talk.” He repeats.

“Okay. Talk, man.”

Okay. Now they need to talk. Honestly talk. Chris takes a deep breath, counts to ten in his head.

“I’ve never done anything like that before.” He says. “Anything like last night, anything like how we normally have sex. You’re the only man I’ve ever slept with.” Chris feels a weight leave him finally admitting that. He’s glad he’s looking at the back of Sebastian’s head, that he doesn’t have to look him in the eyes for this. “And I think because of that, I just thought it was different. I wasn’t mindful about what I did to you, how I handled things. And I’m sorry about that.”

Chris is more sorry than he can say.

“You don’t have to apologize, man. I—“ Sebastian says and Chris feels that flare in his chest again.

“I want to apologize.” Chris interrupts him. “I wouldn’t have ever treated a woman the way I treated you.” His mother raised him better than that, at least he thought she had. The look that crosses Sebastian’s face makes him add “Not that what we were doing was a problem! I love what we were doing, just, the way I handled it. That was a problem.” 

Sebastian turns to face him. “If the sex wasn’t the problem, what was?” Sebastian asks, looking guilty again. Chris’ own guilt bubbles up to the surface.

“I treated you like shit! That’s the problem! I just left you and didn’t think—“ Chris cuts himself off, takes four deep breathes. He needs to be in control for Sebastian, he needs to stay calm. He thinks about Sebastian’s blue eyes, so open and expressive for him. “Sorry. I’m not angry at you. I did some reading last night. About, uh, BDSM. And, uh, I realized I wasn’t doing a good job, with aftercare or anything.”

“Aftercare?”

“Yeah, you know. Taking care of you after, making sure you’re alright.”

“I said you don’t have to do that, Chris.” Sebastian says and Chris wants to hold him tighter.

“Yeah, I do. Seb, you’ve done this before right? Stuff like last night?” Chris asks anxiously.

“Yeah.”

“Didn’t they do something afterwards?”

“Yeah, sex.” Sebastian says and Chris is angry enough to spit. 

“I mean after that.” The words feel like dust coming out of his mouth.

They’re interrupted by a knock on the door. Room service. Right. Chris makes them both a cup of coffee.

“I want to take care of you.” He’ll repeat himself until Sebastian absorbs it, comes to expect it, knows he deserves it.

“Why?”

“Because I care about you. Because you’re my friend. Because I—because it makes me feel good. Is that enough reasons.” Chris says, he doesn’t say ‘because I want to know all of you, because I want you to know me, to trust me, because I think I’m falling for you.’

Sebastian nods, eyes wide and beautiful. Chris guesses that’s enough for now.

Chris feeds Sebastian breakfast and makes sure he sleeps. He dozed off himself for a while, curled against Sebastian.

He wakes up before the younger man, watches him sleep for a while.

Sebastian begins to stir, Chris kisses his forehead.

“Hey,” Chris says.

“Hey,” Sebastian says, a sleepy smile on his face.

They untangle their limbs, sit up on the bed facing each other.

“How do you feel?”

“Fine.” Sebastian says, seemingly automaticity. He pause for a second, assessing “Good. Better. A lot better.”

Chris smiles. “Good.” Sebastian smiles back shyly. “Okay. So touch and food helps, yeah?”

“Yeah.” 

“So we should do that after every time.”

“I guess, if that’s what you, ya know, want.”

“It is. What else do you think would help?”

“I dunno.” Sebastian is looking down at his hands. Chris grabs his chin gently, tilts his head up. Sebastian eyes go darker. “Uh. I mean. I’d like it if you stayed, I guess.”

Chris can’t help himself, he leans in and kisses Sebastian then. “Of course.” He says “I’m not going anywhere now.”

Sebastian looks a little skeptical.

“Scouts honor.” He says, raising his hand. They both laugh.

“I meant what I said.” Chris says. “I’m your friend. If you want to keep doing this I want to do it right.”

“Yeah, okay.” Sebastian says, he’s looking better. Happier, less fragile.

“Here’s a list of things I want you to google, look into.” Chris pulls out a piece of paper with a list of terms and websites he discovered last night.

Sebastian takes it, looks at it curiously. “Okay.” He says.

“Okay.” He takes a big breath in and out. He thinks about the first time they met, about what a dick he’d been. He’d never in a million years expect to care about the kid who spilled coffee on him so much.

“Let’s see what’s on TV.” Chris says, wrapping his arm around the other man so that he’s leaning against him. Sebastian smiles brightly. Chris feels calm and in control, genuinely, for the first time in years.


End file.
